CW: Homophobia

Breaks between contact with my family are slowly stretching out. However, every time I do speak at dept with them it’s clear I’ve made the right choice. When I do speak to my mom it’s clear while everyone is growing up physically for the most part nothing changes within their lives. Vague conversations with my mom have made it clear my nieces and nephews are still being treated for their developmental issues using unproved fad diets without any clear diagnosis or treatment from a medical professional. My mom (or truly any of my immediate family) refuses to address any problems despite voicing complaints about them every time I speak with her. Many of these problems are just symptoms of deeper wounds that will never be addressed. Health conspiracies that leave my siblings unwilling to teach or care for their health or the physical health of their children. Patriarchy that teaches my sisters and nieces that they have no place but subservience and motherhood within fundamentalism. Quiverfull ideas that push my extended family into growing regardless of whether or not they can physically or mentally support those children. Undiagnosed neurodivergence leading to educational frustration and neglect. A lack of mental health care and a spiritual unwillingness to even seek mental health care.

It’s hard to speak about any topic with my mother due to her habit of her immediately associating it with a conspiracy. “Oh, the kid’s visited Cedar Point” … a conspiracy video is sent days later showing how Ohio kids are being kidnaped in mass droves from the same location. “The kids had fun at the pool during their school lessons.” More videos sent describing a conspiracy of how the chemicals in the pool are harming children. This behavior has led to both me and my spouse being extremely vague in our language and what the kids are actually doing during the summer. In many ways it feels like we’re living a bit of a shadow life. One that is removed completely from the lives of my family. But I realize much of that is done for the protection of my kids.

My firstborn is autistic and will loudly shout that fact to the world. And I don’t want them to have to feel shame around that fact either. And when I’ve had conversations about my family’s beliefs it’s very hard for them to understand. In their eyes if their grandma doesn’t accept that aspect of them (autism) then they aren’t loved by their grandparents.1 And ironically, they asked me how I managed to change my own opinion on health conspiracies. I spoke of education and reading up on modern scientific consensus regarding autism and vaccine conspiracies. Innocently they said I should try and present the evidence to my mom. Surely that would change her mind. (I’ve tried debating my mom and I’ve had to realize she’s not changing. Anything I speak about or discuss with her is automatically dismissed if it doesn’t fit in her worldview. Even if there is verifiable evidence otherwise.)

My eldest have also been expressing some amount of a queer identity around their gender. Asking for others to not use feminine nicknames for them. And very recently stating that they / them seems to be the pronouns they would like to use. And while this could change in the future that is where they are right now.2 I have no idea how to broach any of this with either one of our families. And I know my family would immediately accuse me and my spouse of forcing this upon our child. My parents have sent messages with gender conspiracies. (How the Trevor Project is secretly turning kids gay as young as kindergarten.) And have sent homophobic texts about “satanic inversion” of gender in children.3 Honestly even the fact that me and my spouse attended pride with our children would be enough to push the accusation of “grooming” onto me and my spouse. As they view any exposure at all to a visibly queer individual is “grooming” a child.

How can I justify taking a very honest queer and proud autistic child to a home where any part of that sentence would be enough to cast judgment their way. I know in many ways conflict is inevitably coming. I will eventually have to have a direct conversation with this about my family, but it’s hard for me to justify that frustration when my family has done very little to try and maintain that relationship. Even during my recent conversation with my mom there was heavy pressure of “when are you coming to visit.” And all I can think is “Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.”4

However, I don’t also think that at this time they deserve a truthful answer. Any time I have been honest with my intentions and reasoning with my family I’ve been repeatedly ignored and dismissed. Any request for a boundary is rejected immediately. Concerns and problems brought up are ignored. I think that’s a big part of why my family’s lack of change is so frustrating. They may not know it, but I truly do care. I’ve called after crying worried about my mom getting deported (she’s dismissed or ignored any advice to work towards citizenship). I’ve brought up concerns about my sister’s abusive marriage (She’s ignored it and advised me that once you are married and have kids you are sealed to that person.) I brought up childhood abuse from my dad (She dismissed his behavior). Multiple separate conversations about how the theology they were teaching was causing increased anxiety to me as a child. I spoke at length about my own my child was having anxiety due to teachings from my family about the afterlife. And they just hid their conversion attempts. So many deep and painful conversations and in the end it seems nothing changes.

If I ask that they respectfully use “they / them” pronouns for my child or that they leave the topic of autism and vaccination alone I’m fully aware both of those things will immediately be mocked and brushed aside. And while I’m not prescient I know enough that even bringing up gender or pronouns would immediately cause hostility.

So for now, as our lives move and change these differences will remain tucked away, behind a private IG account and here on my blog. Until I see some evidence that they are willing to be respectful or show some type of growth. We’ll remain here in Ohio and hold off on visits. My children deserve safety and respect, and I will do what I can within my power to make that happen.